We share greetings throughout the day. These routine acknowledgments of each other’s presence are thresholds through which we pass on our way, usually, to something else. They are moments of entry and moments of departure, of gathering in and of letting go. In these simple words and acts: saying hello, looking someone in the eye, pausing to hear a response to the question “How are you?” – there is opportunity, and wrapped up in it, power. Too often, though, we, ever focused on the doing, miss the opportunity of these moments on our way to something else.
When deep in my own grief after Eliana’s death, these greetings, usually coupled with the question “How are you?” gave me pause. Before answering, I tried to understand the person’s intentions in asking the question; for some, it was just a greeting, for others, though, it was an invitation to connection that asked for a truthful response without expectation or judgment. The space created in this opportunity alone (even without the conversation that followed) deepened our relationship. I needed to be able to answer that I was not doing well, that I missed my daughter, that despite the beauty of the day, I was feeling sad or lonely or angry. The question asked with intention, curiosity and calm signaled that I belonged in this moment, my whole, grieving and broken self.
The question “How are you” in the context of a passing greeting is an American custom, which too often does not provide space for the response it seems to invite. Instead, we expect a response that is abbreviated and positive (“Fine”) regardless of the reality of someone’s feelings or circumstances. In the midst of a pandemic, which is spinning out fear, loss, anxiety, and general feelings of chaos, this exchange feels disingenuous. I have noticed, for example, in checking in with colleagues before the start of a meeting, that the perfunctory “How are you?” is generally met with long sighs, hesitant laughter, and then a pause. In response, some, like writer Ashley Fetters, suggest substituting the “How are you” altogether with different questions that clarify when it is meant to be just a greeting (e.g., “What’s your day been like so far?”) or, alternatively, when it is meant to invite a holistic response (e.g., “How are you coping?” or “What’s been on your mind lately?”). However, in this moment, can we, rather than abandoning the “How are you” endeavor altogether, commit to it? Can we acknowledge what the other person may be feeling (including their very uncertainty towards the question and how to respond to it) by sharing our own feelings? Can we, then, invite the other person to do the same?
Here are a few ways we may prepare for these moments.
- Practice mindfulness, or attention and care to the present moment without judgment. Mindfulness is essential to both self-compassion and our ability to practice empathy, both of which nurture our connections with others. Know your intention in asking the question, which is a window into interaction with another person. The question carries with it meaning that is separate from any response that you may receive. Approaching and caring for it in that way may open you up to another person’s response. And, when they respond, you may practice mindfulness, too, by listening with attention that is a commitment to nothing more than being present without trying to fix.
- Practice curiosity as you ask the question and listen to the response. Clinical psychologist and mindfulness and compassion researcher Shauna Shapiro writes in practicing mindfulness, “We are cultivating awareness, yes, but it is important to acknowledge the human dimension of that awareness. It is not a sterile, mechanical awareness. Rather, it is a kind, curious, and compassionate awareness.” Mindfulness becomes the entry point, curiosity, the guide. By letting go of assumptions or expectations of the other person’s response, you may remain open to discovery and connection with the other person. Curiosity, too, allows for what is already there, a future unknown, without burdening it with expectation or assumption; its unfolding becomes a little less frightening. How useful is this, too, in our most intimate relationships, where, research shows that we may, in fact, make assumptions about our loved ones that inhibit our ability to listen and connect to them?
- Practice calm, particularly in the face of responses that can feel frightening, sad, or difficult. Brené Brown defines calm as “perspective, mindfulness, and the ability to manage emotional reactivity.” (at 20:36) This practice may echo your earlier commitments to mindfulness and curiosity, with a particular purpose to engage, leaning into what may feel hard or simply strange, in connection with another person.
In this time of uncertainty and anxiety and fear, we can work to create similar space for acknowledgment, recognition, and connection, by asking the question, “How are you?” with an intention that waits, ready for an answer truthful and as diverse as all of humanity.